So there I was.
On December 1st, 2016 I walked into my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no idea that it was going to change my entire life.
I had my first drink at around 12 years old. My brother and I had stolen 2 beers from the refrigerator. My brother took a sip of his, spit it out and said it was gross. My first sip was exactly what I had been looking for. My whole body relaxed, my shoulders lowered, and I remember finally feeling comfortable for the first time. I proceeded to drink the rest of mine and all his. When my father got home from work and asked where his beer was, I immediately lied and blamed it all on my brother. That's how I spent the next 22 years of my life. The lying, the stealing and the manipulation, is how I managed to get through life. The progression of my disease took me to places that I never thought that I would go taking that first sip.
In high school I felt so disconnected from my peers that the only way that I knew how to associate with them was to be “the guy”. I would get the alcohol for the parties, ensuring I would always be invited. It also allowed me to always have my solution for the discomfort I felt when I was around other people. Alcohol truly did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. It didn’t take long, though, before I wasn’t only providing the alcohol. Soon it was weed, then coke, and psychedelics. I believed people would accept me if I provided them with something they wanted and I became someone they would like- I wanted to fit in. I wasn’t ok with who I was, at my innermost core, and those beliefs stemmed from that lack of self-acceptance.
The person I was that day, in that first meeting, had done some terrible things to reach the point necessary to become open and willing to strive for something different. I spent 7 years on the streets, homeless: stealing bottles of liquor from grocery stores, shooting heroine and meth, living in parks, dumpster diving and eating out of trash cans. I had stolen my parents’ bill money, got arrested and told the police I was my brother (which cost him his career), was wanted in three states, had 7 felonies, and was looking at 5 years in state prison. But none of that compared to how terrible I felt. I really just didn’t want to feel or even live most days. I had only known one way to live my life and it wasn’t working anymore. I couldn’t get drunk enough or high enough. I was always stuck with my fear, guilt, shame, my pain, and my thoughts.
So there I was, court ordered to six months of residential treatment, ankle monitor, and that prison sentence still looming over me. I was absolutely filled with fear because, for the first time, I was going to have to figure out how to get through a day without the only coping mechanisms I had. The treatment center brought in a speaker for my first meeting. When I heard that man talk, I could tell that he had lived his life the way that I had lived mine, and I could identify with him. To look at this man I couldn’t imagine it- he looked clean, presented himself well, seemed reasonably happy and was on fire to talk about this change that took place in his life, and how he had changed. He went on to say how great his life was that day. He also challenged us. He said things like, “Chances are only 1 in 3 you will make it to long term sobriety,” and, “You have to work as hard at your sobriety as you did for a drink or drug.”
Now, in no way did I think this AA thing was going to work for me. I was too sick, too broken, and too addicted. But I’m a stubborn person, so I was going to do every suggestion and prove them wrong. I got a sponsor, and took the steps with another person- in order. I put everything I could into it, and by no means did I do it perfectly, but my sponsor was there to guide me. I had some real issues with believing that I was an alcoholic. I knew that I was an addict- the track marks proved that. What I came to realize was that every time I had ever been released from jail, I had sworn my life was going to be different. I didn’t go straight to the dope house or to get high. I always ended up stealing a bottle and getting drunk, then all bets were off and I couldn’t stop myself from going back to that bottom. It was always waiting for me with that first sip. When I was able to surrender to the realization that I am an alcoholic, everything else just seemed to happen. I was able to finish that treatment program and am able to deal with life as it hits me by applying the steps in all areas of my life. When I have hard days and rough situations, I rely on the support of my people in the fellowship. I have learned that I need to be willing to pick up the phone and talk and listen to another man about what’s going on. Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me with a design for living that has empowered me to navigate challenges without drugs and alcohol, which is a true miracle for a guy like me.
Today my life is completely different. I am no longer wanted by any authority. I have made amends to my family and have a relationship with all of them. My brother, whose career I caused him to lose, is now one of my biggest supporters. I am free to live my life. I live in a safe and nice home, have a great job that allows me to travel, and live a life that is way better than I thought possible. In the rooms of AA I have met an amazing group of people that accept me exactly for who I am with all my deficiencies. Most importantly, for the most part I can accept who I am today. I get to wake up sober, work at being a better person than I was the day before. Sometimes I have setbacks, but I don’t have to drink or use over them.