Recovery from alcohol (and anxiety).

Growing up, I never felt like I fit in. I was always uncomfortable in my own skin for as long as I can remember. I felt like the black sheep of the family. When I was in 5th grade, I was diagnosed with ADHD. All of my siblings excelled in school, while I struggled. I was made fun of in school for being skinny. My mom had an anxiety and panic disorder, and had agoraphobia when I was young. She instilled a lot of worry and fear in us, although she was doing the best she could at the time. Into my teens, I developed major anxiety and depression.

I tried alcohol for the first time when I was 18 or 19, and it was like a breath of fresh air for me. I loved it from the first sip. It did for me, everything I couldn't do for myself. I finally felt like I fit in. I felt less anxiety and fear, and it gave me confidence and self esteem. I had more friends. I felt popular, attractive, and funny. So I started drinking more often.

Alcohol worked for me for a while, until it didn't. First it was fun, but then it became fun with problems. I got a D.U.I. when I was 24. I blew a .31 and remember everything, and even went back to the party and drank more after I was released from jail. Before I knew it, I was completely physically and mentally addicted to the alcohol. I COULDN'T stop drinking, even though I desperately wanted to. I lost numerous jobs due to not being able to function. My hands shook and trembled so bad, I couldn't even write my name. My life became so small, I was just surviving. I manipulated and used people who were good to me. One day I had a grand-mal seizure in a store, and woke up in the hospital. Less than a year later, I had another seizure, both due to alcohol withdrawal. I was so scared that I was going to die. My boyfriend and I were living out of my beat up old car by the creek. I had no home. I slept on dirty floors, porches, and couches. I burned bridges with all of my friends and family that loved me.

One day, my mom and step dad offered to send me to an in-patient recovery treatment center, where I could medically detox from the alcohol. I was consumed with fear, but I knew I was going to die if I didn't get help, so I said yes. I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous during treatment. I completed 60 days in treatment. I had no idea how I was going to live the rest of my life without ever having any alcohol, but I also didn't want to die. They suggested that when I went home to Chico, that I do 90 meetings in 90 days, so I did. I heard a lot of good stuff in the meetings, and I liked the meetings. It was suggested that I get a sponsor and do the 12 steps. However, I was still full of fear and scared to open up to anyone, or to be vulnerable, so I sat in the back and didn't talk to anybody. I did not take the suggestions. I heard the word God a lot in the meetings, and I was completely turned off by it, because I didn't believe in God.

I was able to stay sober for over 5 years, just from going to meetings. Life got really good. I got married in sobriety, I had my daughter in sobriety. But I was still uncomfortable in my own skin, had low self esteem, and my anxiety was awful. I ended up picking up a drink again. Things got really bad, really fast. Before I knew it, I was right back where I was before, struggling to get and stay sober. One night while drunk, I was full of remorse and shame, and decided I would try to take my life. I swallowed a whole bottle of Xanax and crawled into bed with my 3 year old daughter. I woke up in the Behavioral Health suicide watch unit, full of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

I knew at that moment that I had to do EVERYTHING that was suggested, like getting a sponsor and taking the 12 steps. I crawled back into the rooms of A.A. full of remorse. There was a lady there I had never seen before, and when she shared, I immediately felt connected to her and knew I wanted to ask her to be my sponsor. She started taking me through the steps. My life immediately started to change and get better. I started to change from the inside out. The God thing was hard for me, but she told me I didn't have to figure it out or believe in God for this program to work. She said to just do it. I heard another man in the program say that he started praying to a God he didn't believe in, and it worked. So that's what I did.

The Promises started happening in my life, and still continue to happen to this day, 6 years later. I pray every morning to a God I don't necessarily understand or believe in, and ask him to keep me sober for the day, and to show me how I can help the person that's still suffering. It works. My faith started growing and little by little, good things kept happening in my life that just couldn't be coincidences. I also sought outside professional help for my mental health, which I believe is EXTREMELY important. I never thought I would be able to live without Xanax for my anxiety, and today I have more peace and serenity and the least amount of anxiety that I've ever had in my whole life, WITHOUT taking any narcotics, benzos, or mind altering substances. I am getting to know my true authentic self, at my core. I learned that I am worth it. I learned to love myself for me. Today I am a woman of integrity, morals, and values because of A.A. I learned that I don't have to stay sober for the rest of my life, but just for today...one day at a time. I also learned how important it is to help the next suffering addict. A.A. taught me to think of others before myself. Being of service is one of the ways I can show my gratitude for A.A. My life is absolutely amazing today. Everything good in my life is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous not only saved my life, but it gave me an amazing life today. I will be forever grateful for A.A.