Learning about emotional sobriety… the hard way.
My obsession to drink left me at a time that I feel was pretty early in my sobriety, although I could not tell you exactly when that was. I completed my first set of steps within about 8 months and realized that I had not wanted to drink for quite some time. My life looked pretty good given how it looked prior to coming into the rooms. I was gainfully employed, could pay my bills, had a relationship and was mending others I had damaged near the point of non-repair. Yes, it looked good… from the outside. Nonetheless, I didn’t want to drink. I did, however, yearn for more serenity in my life. Over the course of the next couple of years some major changes happened, and they were all for the better.
The relationship of my first two years in sobriety ended as a result of my partner being unfaithful (which was devastating), but within a matter of a couple months I found myself in another serious relationship. As with my previous relationship, I met her online. She lived over an hour away, and due to the distance between us in the beginning of our relationship we had the opportunity to learn a lot about each other through text messages- interestingly, we never spoke until our first time meeting in person. That first meeting was really special as far as first dates go. It was long, it was fun, and it was clear that the spark was there. In a short time she moved to my town, and quickly thereafter we moved in together.
A couple months prior to getting into the new relationship I asked for a raise at work. While I was paying my bills, I was still struggling to get by. My employer awarded raises based upon biannual reviews and I asked for what amounted to about 4 reviews worth of raises at one time. I worked for a very large organization and they were not willing to grant my request. I was of course disappointed but this propelled me in a different direction. While I was sitting in the financial aid office at the local university, where I was intent upon returning to complete a degree in natural resource management, an ad for a local trade school popped up on my phone. I had been told about working in powerline construction, but had never put very serious thought into it. Seeing that the average annual income exceeded my current income by about 250%, I gave it a serious look and before too long was going down the path to becoming part of the power delivery industry.
Very, very quickly upon moving in together, my girlfriend and I decided to have a child together. We were both in our 30’s (I was 39 and she was 34), thought the other would be a good parent, and knew this was what we wanted for our life. She became pregnant quickly after we made the decision and I had begun lineman school. Life looked very exciting. At 10 weeks pregnant she miscarried. We were devastated. The miscarriage did have an effect of strengthening our bond, and as soon as we could conceive again we did, and learned we had a daughter on the way. I had just graduated line school and was off to the start of what has become a very lucrative career.
My first work assignment took me a little more than two hours away from home. I thought the scope of the job would be less than a week, but it turned out the call was for an indefinite period of time. The prospect of being away from home so much was harrowing. The blow of that realization was softened by my first day of work- 19 hours long and $1300. I started to have visions of what my life would look like, replete with financial security, a nice home and material excess. I knew the distance was something I could handle as that family dynamic was my experience as a child with my dad being away and my mom holding down the home. My girlfriend wasn’t so sure, but was willing to try in the name of supporting my new career.
Being that I was 2 hours from home, going to my usual meetings wasn’t feasible- plus, I had been attending less and less as my life was unfolding in such a meaningful and pleasing fashion. I looked up meetings in the area, of which there were plenty. There were meetings I could go to every day. However, I made one excuse after the other and didn’t do it. I listened to my own voice rather than my higher power’s. This was the beginning of a very long dry drunk. This was the beginning of doing steps 1, 2 & 3 in reverse.
In knowing that I should be going to meetings, but listening to my own alcoholic voice I took my will back. I told myself that things were going well, and that it was ok not to go to meetings. Besides, I had prayer and meditation, and things were going well professionally. I started allowing myself to make other terrible decisions such as not eating well or exercising. I started becoming pretty significantly depressed, and before long I wasn’t doing any 11th step work or talking to my sponsor. I was living in my car to save money. The city I was in for work is famously expensive, and I had no interest in paying more to rent a room in a stranger’s house than I did for my mortgage back home. I had abandoned my program and was completely isolated during my off hours, all while being out of town 12 days out of every two weeks.
My girlfriend’s pregnancy was hard, and she would call me daily. She lamented me being away. I had empathy as I felt terrible not being with her, but lacked the compassion to actually do anything helpful. Really all it would have taken was a display of vulnerability on my part, and the subsequent admission that I too was struggling mightily with the situation. Rather, I expressed my regret for how she was feeling, which left her feeling alone in her struggles with the impression that I just didn’t care the way she wanted me to. I had put the spiritual toolkit up on a high shelf, way in the back of my inner closet where it collected dust for almost 2 years. Needless to say, without using the tools I had learned while engaged in the program, I lost sight of the principles and did unsustainable damage to my relationship.
My girlfriend told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me when our daughter was just about 16 months old. I was crushed. During the time leading up to that I had returned myself to insanity, and that night became keenly aware than my life had become unmanageable and that I was powerless over my emotions. I had completed doing steps 1, 2, & 3 in reverse. My survival instinct kicked in. I knew I might very well die (by either relapsing or committing suicide), so I did the only thing I had left to do at that moment- I went to a meeting and was listening to the message within an hour of having received the worst bit of news of my life. Thankfully, by this time, I was working back home again.
The following day I jumped off and took a deep dive back into the program. I knew I had to do everything differently. I started listening to literature, I reunited with my sponsor and started going through the steps again, and started attending meetings daily as long as work would allow. In the 12 months following the delivery of the worst bit of news I had ever received I worked the very best program of my entire journey through sobriety. By the end of that year I was still, and to this day am, deep into literature, I hold service positions, sponsor other men, reach out to other alcoholics and regularly attend meetings. I have reconciled my wrongdoings in my relationship, and have a wonderful and amazingly fulfilling bond with my daughter. Today I am emotionally sober. The quality of my emotional sobriety depends on the quality of my program. Yes, I have bad days, but I have a wonderful life! My alcoholic brain wants to break my soulful heart, and my best defense is to practice AA’s principles in all of my affairs. God bless You. God bless AA. I love you all.